my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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