Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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