i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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