I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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