Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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