Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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