Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
