I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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