my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
