Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
