She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
