I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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