I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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