Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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