I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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