god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
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So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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