I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
