Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
