Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
