the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
