One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
