My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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