Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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