I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
