From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
