Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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