Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My liver just had a heart attack.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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