Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
me + whiskey = a bad person
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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