roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
