Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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