last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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