You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
