My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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