Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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