You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I don't think brook has ever known best
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
