You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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