You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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