White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize