I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
