I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
