Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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