just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
