apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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