What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
