I can text with my tongue
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
