if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
why is half of my head shaved?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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