Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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