I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
