True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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