Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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