It's like God shit irony all over that family
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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