I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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