I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
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Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
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Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment