Midget sex pt 2 tonight
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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