my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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