id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
