I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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